Holding, Not Controlling

Holding, Not Controlling

The steward's core discipline is to hold without controlling. This is harder than it sounds.

The Difference

Controlling means: I determine the outcome. I decide what happens. My will shapes events.

Holding means: I protect the conditions. I keep the space open. I trust the process.

A gardener holds the conditions for plants to grow. They don't control the growth.

Why Control Tempts

Control is tempting because:

- It's faster (in the short term)

- It's less ambiguous

- It feels powerful

- Results are clearly attributable to you

When you see things going wrong, the urge to step in and fix them is powerful.

Why Holding Matters

But control has costs:

- Others don't learn

- You become a bottleneck

- You burn out holding everything

- The system becomes dependent on you

Holding creates:

- Space for others to develop

- Distributed capability

- Sustainable systems

- Resilience that doesn't depend on you

What Holding Looks Like

Holding might look like:

- Creating structures that invite honest conversation

- Asking questions rather than giving answers

- Naming what you're noticing without prescribing

- Staying present when discomfort arises

- Trusting others to find their way

When to Step In

Holding doesn't mean passive observation. You step in when:

- Harm is imminent

- Core values are at risk

- Someone explicitly asks for help

- The structure itself needs tending

But you step in to serve, not to take over. The goal is always to return agency.

The Inner Work

Holding requires inner work:

- Tolerance for uncertainty

- Trust in others' capability

- Willingness to let go of outcome

- Patience with slow progress

This isn't easy. The urge to control doesn't go away—you just learn to notice it and choose differently.